Bad guts, Hospitals and My First (and hopefully last) Colonoscopy

Right folks...I've had a bad stomach for a few weeks. I went and saw the doctor and he had it diagnosed as diverticulitus. The basic description is that there is an inflammation in your intestine. It's pretty uncomfy and I was on meds for a week but that didn't really cut it. So I go back to the doc who in pretty good English says "well I think we should admit you and you shouldn't eat food for a couple of days"..."piss off" runs through my brain and I have the teeth marks on my tongue to prove how controlled I was. I turn to my Korean teacher..."So Jun, is he serious?" Jun:"yup...our health is very important"...me: "BALLS"


So now not only do I have to go to a Korean hospital, I can't eat for two days...me! not eat! unheard of. Actually turns out that this was a blessing in disguise. 


In I go...a few amenities..I say a few cause I have no idea what the hell to pack. I kind of presumed I would have a nice little room to myself where I can read and chill. HELL NO. I get to my first room, it's 2 million degrees and the average age was at least 80. As I write this i'm fairly confident the chap in the bed next to us isn't part of this planet. So I ask to change rooms. Room 712 is a much better option. It's only a million degrees, so that's a start. My Korean teacher is still around to help me out, and very politely asks the four chaps in the room if any of them spoke any English so as to help poor little Chubb should he require assistance....'yeong-eo opsoyo'! Basically translates to not a bloody lick of Engrish. Oh well. 


Nursezilla turns up. time for my drip to be set up....attempt 1: FAIL  attempt 2: FAIL attempt 3: FAIL.. c'mon seriously!!! So she makes a personal substitution and gets in what I presume was someone with half a minute's experience because attempt 4 goes in...and we're off! Now I'm not too manly to admit if there had to be a fifth attempt I might have fainted. My body did not like being stabbed repeatedly. I had the sweats and shakes. 
Nursey number 2 then hangs the sign that have my Korean roomies giggling away....no food allowed! BALLS
Day 1 not going so well! 


I finally get to eat some 'food' after 2 days. It was some kind of rice soup. I image they basically blended up some rice added some more water and served it to me....F*&K ME it was just awful. The next day wasn't much better. I was allowed 'soft food'...in Korea (and most of Asia) they crazy buggers eat the same thing for breakfast lunch and dinner....so hands up if they think Western Chubby wanted 2 pieces of unknown fish )with bones) boiled rice, spicy fish soup and picked radishes at 7am...let alone at 12pm for lunch and then again at 6pm for dinner. 


The chaps in my room turn out to be a great bunch of guys. Cannot for the life of me remember their names, but despite the language barrier, tried to help me out as much as possible. We would go for cigarette walks (I didn't smoke, just went for a walk) In a Korean hospital you can go pretty much wherever you like...We would go round the block on good weather days. I had my drip, a guy on crutches, a guy in a wheelchair and one guy ok to walk although probably shouldn't have been smoking cause I think he was in there for some kind of chest infection?!


But as much as I loved these guys and they really helped me out, my God they were a pain in the arse to share a room with...the farting, spitting, snoring, slurping and just general bodily noise that came out of the three of them was by the end just too much to take. 


So I spend 4 days 3 nights at the hospital. Get me the funk home. Doc gives me meds for another week. No booze (what!!) no spicy food (what!!) and not too much salt...so no fun!


A week goes by and I still have problems. I go off the meds for the next week with no real improvement or signs of it getting any worse. So I go for a second opinion. I go to another stomach specialist recommended by a co worker. Unfortunatly she says there's not much she can do. I should have had another scan before I left the hospital. But I didn't.  So back to the doc (who by the way is a fucking arsehole) who now reckons I don't have diverticulitus. No shit Sherlock! Then the dreaded statement that i'm pretty sure i'll never forget...."i think you should have a colonoscopy"....hmmmm "anything else we can try first?" doc: "nope" (arsehole). I get it booked in for the next day. I get a lovely package of goodies to take home with me as well in preparation.


I now i've gone on a while but this REALLY IS THE BEST BIT!


Between the hours of 9pm and 11pm I have to drink 2 litres of what I shall call 'purge solution'. This stuff is advertised with a little lemon flavour sign on it....my arse. This stuff is rank. I go through the first hour struggling to keep it down the front end and worrying about the back even more. But nothing really happening. 11pm comes along and I finish the last of the PS. "hmmm this isn't so bad"


1103 
"HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"............................WOOOOOSHHHHHHH!


This continues basically through till about 230am.


Round 2:
6am. 2 more litres in 2 hours. 


There's not a lot left in me...i'm really tired and as you can imagine pretty grumpy. I get through maybe 5 sips before 'all systems are go'....for the next 2 hours I basically just sat on the loo. In one end out the other in the matter of seconds. And no matter how much I drank there was always more coming out than going in.


I have a moment of comic genius and decide that seeing my arse would be scary enough but seeing a day of arses can' be fun at all. So I draw this on my right bum cheek.

The broken damn finally dries up and I make my way to the hospital with Jun (Korean teacher). 
"you have the option of being awake or asleep"... "knock me the funk out"


Get to the bum section of the hospital and check in...almost like a hotel. Nothing like a hotel.


Get hooked up to my drip in preparation for the event. Then of all bloody things to happen the last swoosh of water in my stomach wants to come out. Quick run to the bog. I walk back and they're calling me name...AnDaRoo...


They wheel me in and hook me up to a heart rate monitor which suddenly jumps to about 150 beats a minute when the nurse brings in the python camera that is bout to go up my bum..."there's no way that's going up there....is it?" NO ENGLISH! BALLS...but they know what i'm saying and have a right ol giggle...'funny Westerner"...hmmmm 200bpm. Sleepy time now. Knees up to my chest start counting. I have no idea how far I get.


My next memory is hazy. It consists of two Korean  nurses holding my shoulders down I presume telling me to 'chill the fuck out and lie down'. I have a vague memory of just wanting to get up and go to the loo. They eventually get me to lie back down and I'm out for the count. No idea how long. 


I regain consciousness to find myself still having the urge to purge. So I try to get up and Bambi legs kick in. The same two nurses come over and help me out. Of course the funny thing is that there is not a morsel of anything inside my intestines. But I go to the loo anyway and let out a massive fart. With the amount of air up there i'm surprised I didn't fly away. It's at this point I realise what damage 'the python' has done to my poor little anus....pain didn't really come close to how I felt..."dear God I need to lie down" Back on the bed and out for another nap.


I regain consciousness this time in what seem to be normality. Under the watchful eye of one of the nurses place my legs off the bed and successfully stand up unaided. Apparently this is all that is required for you to be discharged. So, with Jun, off to see the doctor. for my results. It took maybe 3 or 4 steps to realise that I was in quite a lot of pain. My anus was in Meltdown...what on earth did they put up there. My guts are screaming out to me to be cured by some kind of narcotic that would make everything ok. But it never comes. And not only that but I had to wait 20 minutes to see the doc. That was a long 20 mins. The doc says he has good news...."I didn't find anything in there". My immediate reaction was to think "then why did you send an aircraft carrier up my arse you putts??!!" In hindsight thought I am happy there is nothing majorly wrong going on down there. 


"So it is my opinion that you have IBS", was the next thing out of his mouth. BALLS. He then has what felt like an hour long conversation with my co teacher about my meds and all I can think of is "oh god my arse hurts"... I spend the next 15 hours in pretty much anal agony watching shit on tv and napping the pain away.


I do not know how gay men go through this for pleasure. Or how women agree to let scumbag men put their whatsits into option B... Mine is now purely an exit only orifice. 


This pretty much takes us up to the present day (21 April) where I am slowly feeling better and trying to watch my diet. 


More to follow I guess

Haircuts

So getting my hair cut in Korea is the second scariest thing I have had to do after getting off the plane. It's  a funny experience. Not being too fussy I found a cool little place on the main street. They don't speak a blip of English and it wasn't a bar situation so my Korean here is very limited. So hand gestures and smiles and the chick gets that i'm here for a haircut...yes I also thought this might have been obvious seeing as I was in a hair salon. So here we go..."cut short please" .....................tumbleweed! Crap! So I find a picture on my phone and point...smiles and hand gestures. So a funky haired guy takes me to wash my hair.....all pretty standard so far. We mumble a few phrases...yup teacher....English....oh you like Radiohead and Park Ji Sun, that's nice, me too...yup teacher...

OK hair cut time....i'm sweating profusely at this stage...what am I gonna end up with??!!! she uses the phone for reference and everything seems to be going as normal....until one of the helpers comes along and is standing there just watching....ok....then another helper comes along and just starts watching me!!! hmmm ok....guys, there's a really big mirror right in front of me...I can see you watching me!!! They have a little chuckle now and then (I assume at me expense)...and every now and then the help brush some hair from my face. And then the cutting stops. Thank God...It looks OK....I'm half expecting the helpers to start applauding...but no....i'm taken back the the wash station and they wash my hair again....ooohhh fancy. Thanks.....oh you're washing behind my ears as well. Finally it's back to the chair to make myself look fabulous darling.....and it;s all over.

I go to pay...I'm joined by the girl that cut my hair, two helpers and the cashier.....I pay they all grab the door give me a little bow, we say goodbye and I feel like so overwhelmed getting a haircut....I felt a little bad cause all the time I was there no one else had the same attention....

SNAP!!! What the!!!!!!?????!!!!!!!

As I walk out a random Korean girl takes a photo of me and walks off!!!

What a bizarre afternoon

As far as haircuts go it was OK...I had the obligatory Korean cut around the ear...Look it up.Every Korean has no hair in the vicinity of his ear lobe

I'll leave with another picture
It's been cold lately

10 things that a waygook-in finds tough in Korea

1: I’d say the thing that just kicks me in the ass every time I hear it is old folk hocking their guts up. These old codgers do it everywhere. They smoke a lot in korea and you can really tell when they hit a certain age cause it’s completely acceptable to “aaacchhhh…..toopth”…and send some phlegm across the street. You’ll be on the subway, and if you are lucky enough to be near the old, preggers and disabled section then these chaps will unload sneeze after cough after hock….truely gross!

2: Korean Logic…..sometimes I ask myself how these guys have made it this far??!! Their sense of logic is mindboggling. Ok, example, Traffic lights in most intersections will only have a green light on for one lane in one direction at a time. So when you're sitting there in your cab at a red light for 5 minutes trying to catch your you want to kill someone!!!! 

3: Korean work ethic…Whilst I respect how hard these guys work I need to point out that there are builders working outside my bedroom window EVERY DAY! And have been for weeks now. And it never stops! It’s Sunday guys, 7am….PUT…THE …F*&$%#*…..DRILL….DOWN!!! It starts from a young age. These poor kids are working all day all the time. They get up at 6 and normally are in some kind of school until at least 10pm. These are 12 year old kids…It’s no wonder why Korean lack a certain social awareness. 

4: Food. 2 words…silk worms. END

5: K-Pop. You go out and you basically hear one long song by Koreans that basically look the same (in the same outfit. Not a racisist comment) and are adored by kids here for reasons unknown. The lyrics are hilarious and never appropriate…’bringing all the boys in’ always going to be a classic, but when its being sung by a wee 11 year old girl you have to ask what the heck is going on here. 
It’s a way of life over here….nutters


6: The Korean Bullet train. It's pretty cool and dead fast but to get a seat on the bloody thing you need to book 7 or 8 years in advance. I exaggerate, but when a one and a half hour journey turns into a 4 hour journey you're left a little miffed. This also relates to korean logic. Buggers are a right pain sometimes. 


7: Korean insulation....doesn't exist. It's getting very cold here. 


OK so i'm really picking at straws now. I can't actually think of 10 things just yet. I'm really enjoying my time in Korea. 

I'm going to leave you with a picture of Seoul Tower....

Some photos from the Last 5 months

Just some random photos i felt like uploading...

S is for SPAM

Leaning Tower of SPAM

SPAMhenge

Brrrrrr

Palace

Start of Autmn

"Gimme Five!"

Happy Birthday

Boo

The Great Wall of SPAM

Palace Wall

Do I need to say anything here??

Double Dragon

Beer anyone?

Likes and Dislkes

OK so I haven't blogged in about 2 months...oops. So for my latest instalment I'm gonna share with you some of my likes and dislikes about Korea. Things that rock and things that make me want to jump on a plane tomorrow...Top 10's are quite popular so here goes. Let's start with the Likes

10 things I like about Korea...in no particular order

1: I'm tall. I am a giant amongst men here. An odd one I know but it really has it's perks. I can see over 97% of people here. I never get an armpit in the face on a bus. On the contrary, some poor little Korean gets my stinky Western pit.
People can just about always find me. So getting split up from a group in busy street situations is handy cause i'm always in sight.

2: Teaching. I love it. It's great over here to be a guest teacher. The kids love you just because you're slightly different. They're so open and sometimes a little too forward, but that's part of the charm. They make me feel like a rockstar somedays and tell me i'm handsome about 50 times a day. I mean who wouldn't want to hear that??!!

3: The people. I've met some awesome people all over the country now. Mainly other foreign teachers but from all over. There's a good little family growing over here that you can depend on. Plus they all love a beer so it's all good.
Koreans though, are some of the nicest people I've come across. They just want to help you all the time and nothing is too much trouble. They have made my stay here so much easier to deal with. Thanks guys!!

4: Norebang. This one surprised me. Singing and me don't get on too famously, but these little karaoke booths are just an absolute laugh. Doesn't matter if you can't sing...no one can. But your pissed so you just get involved....and you're always going to be better than the locals. They can't sing for beans.

5: Soju. The local tipple. Russia meets the east. Vodka meets casual drinking any time working lunch or not. Potent as cobra venom yet rather easy on the pallet. All in all dangerous but rather fantastic. Gives you one heck of a headache the next day though.

6: Cheap transportation. Yup it costs about 70p to travel anywhere. Awesome. They have a great bus policy. If the bus can hold say 100 people, at rush hour your likely to see about 750 people on any one bus. Another plus point for being tall...cause a bus full of that many people aint so fresh.

7: The Food. I've had some great food here. Ok I'm going to start with my favourite restaurant Saloon B. This place is just round the corner from my flat, and it sells burgers. But they are no normal McD's or anything. hand made, special sauce, seasoned chips fantasticness. I just made that up. I know it's not an Asian restaurant but so what. Those burgers kick ass. Korean food is also pretty good. They have restaurants where they bbq food right in front of you, good sushi restaurants and basically all the good stuff you can do with rice they can rock it out.

8: The View. Korea is beautiful. Mountains everywhere. I wasn't sure what to expect, and i thought it'd be more south east asiany, but it's more japanesey. Especially now we are heading into spring and winter. The colours are changing and the weather is bearable. One of my favourite things to do during my lunch break is to go onto the roof of my school with a book, cup of tea and sit and read and admire the view.

9: The keyless society....where we're going we don;t need keys. All, or most of the apartments in korea all have pin code door locks. No more lost keys, no more having to take your keys running. Noone can pick your lock. Hands full of shopping, no worries just beep beep beep beep and you're in. Thanks.

and if i had to pick one more....
10: Taxi Drivers!!!! These guys are hilarious. They all have 10inch sat nav screens that are permanently tuned into tv channels. Even when driving they'll have an episode of korean Emerdale on or something. At night they can be a pain, but if you get a cool one that will get you home 'speedy'...had a chap drive 180km and hour through red lights and all to drive me home....Jesus Christ handles at the ready..and the best part is that they are dirt cheap. sometimes there;s no point using public transport.


OK so there's my top 10 likes....stay tuned for the dislikes!

Chubb out

Holidays, water parks, rugby, beer-bowling and BBQ's....and that's just one long weekend

Hello folks

Been a while since I was on here so thought I would let you all know about Chuseok. Can't pronounce it welcome to my world. OK here goes CHOO-SUCK...It's the Korean version of Thanksgiving and is a pretty big deal. It also means that I get 5 straight days off work....Thanks very much!!!! I should point out that this was from the 3rd - 4th September....(sorry for my tardiness)

A bunch of us oegug-in (yeah I'm gonna bust out some Korean every now and again....WAY-GOOK IN...it means foreigner) decided to go to a water park and about an hour away and then go on to a place called Pohang to go watch the rugby and party.
Water park would have been great had it not been freezing and raining....we're water park ninja's though and battle through it....It's here that I get my first experience of Korean changing room culture....these guys are not shy....and well to be honest a lot of them should be!!!!

Water Park in the Rain
A fun day had by all at the freezing rainy water park leads on to go and watch the rugby (ENG VS ARG) in Pohang. "Where do we stay" I think to myself.....Korean experience number 2 Love Motels...You can rent these out by the hour should you so wish and purchase "bedroom" items all along the corridor. Didn't think I'd be sharing my firsgt night in a love motel with two dudes but there we go...best way to not feel weird about this....lets get mullered...."what's that Jaeger?....Oh you know how to screw with me....thanks" I'd fill in the blanks but my family might be reading this....well actually I can;t remember a whole lot.
Scene of the Crime
Sunday started off rather slowly....bacon bagel and a starbucks coffee and I'm ready to fall asleep on the bus home....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Then into town for more beer and rugby!!!! A whole bunch of Safa's here so I had to support Wales....a lose lose situation for me.

Hangover food....Egg and Potato???

Weather turns out great the next day....shame that water park has now closed forever...so what better way to remember the day before yesterday.....BEER BOWLING!!! Rules are simple....after your second throw however many pins are left standing.....that's the number of shots of beer you have to do. Being the bowling expert I was pretty rubbish but poor Paul...his last round had to do 10 shots! Ouch....I reckon I could get Sky Sports into it....

Well it was game over after that as well I think....fill in the blanks as you see fit...




















"BBQ and cricket in a park?" Yes PLEASE!!!!
So the plan is to try and not drink so much....it started off so well....the main result was finding beef in a supermarket...couldn't help myself...
me to supermarket employee...."cut me off somma that there cow please sir"
employee to me "wha?"
me: "moooooooooooooo" (hand slicing gesture)
employee: "oh you mean beef..sure thing"

ok so some Koreans can speak English....

Please Note the Large Bottle of Maegju (BEER) in Paul's Hand!! 

BBQ and beer and cricket all go down well until the fuzz show up....a friend brought with her a hookah with some funny smelly tobacco. Passers by were convinced we were all puffing the reefer...Koreans aren't too happy about marijuana in these here parts. One way ticket back home if they catch you. So they obviously didn't think too highly of us...After a few words and offering the pipe to the copper he realised we weren't stoners. Until they left and we brought out the crack pipe!!!
After that it gets a little blurry....a couple of beers perchance???

Back to work on Thursday and Friday and then off for the weekend....when I rule the World 2 day working weeks is where it's at!



 More to come folks....Rugby World Cup going on...birthdays coming up...watch this space....

Chubb saying good bye

First month done...

So I have been in Korea for one month now and it's been a brilliant experience. What a good decision to come over here....the people are super friendly, the kids, for the most part, are great and keep me laughing through the day and I've met some great Western friends who are showing me the ropes so I don't end up either lost or eating something I shouldn't. 

I'm finally getting into a routine at my school and have started teaching the English Town sections. There are different students from elementary and middle schools everyday. They're all pretty excited because it's a break from their normal routine. Korean kids work and study just about all day. They're in school from about 0830 and when the finish school they all go to English classes or music lessons and all sorts. Most of them don't get home until 10pm. Mental!!! So I try and make it as much fun as possible for them. But it's pretty repetitive so I look forward to my normal teaching lesson with my Gifted Students.

 My view on the way to work...

Out of school I've been lucky enough to meet some pretty cool people. Which means that I get to have the traditional meet and greet drinks/piss up. Although every weekend people are going out. They party hard over here. Go Hard or Go Home...

I have also had my first norebang, which for all you lot means kareoke...and for those of you who have been privileged enough to here me sing will not be surprised that I butchered Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody...sorry Freddy. My Bad!

I've also been initiated into the Makeoli Drinking Membership Association, which is held on the first Thursday of every month..."Makeoli?" I hear you say..."Oh, it sounds so exotic"Well you'd be wrong. The best way I would describe Makeoli is that it is a combination of milk, white wine and sprite and is served in bowls and is strong enough to stop a rhino on acid. Potent bloody stuff and gives you a hangover that pisses on any Stella hangover I've ever had. Let's just say it's an acquired taste. 

Throw in a good ol pub quiz and it's a good night. Didn't win the quiz though!!! Balls!

Some of my new Korean family...well they're not Korean but you know what I mean.

Gen and Shaun at Jeep

We have also had the IAAF athletics here and is actually just finishing up today. The stadium is pretty close to where I live so I had to go. It's an awesome venue and didn't think I'd get in to it as much as I did, but the ladies pole vault final was very exciting...I'm sure there's a joke about women handling poles but I'm not going to be drawn into such vulgarity. 

So life is pretty good. I like my job, I have met some great people, I've seen great athletes at work, I've taken part in my first norebang, I've eaten some interesting food, and some pretty gross food so I am very excited about the next 11 months. 

Bring on next week, Korean Thanksgiving. 5 day weekend bring it on!!!

Adios folks